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I'm aiming for that feeling when your heart floats, i wanna fall in love with myself

Loss of productivity and the mindset of a loser

It's strange how the term "productivity" can trigger positive and negative emotions at the same time.
We feel accomplished when we had a fuflilling day, a "productive day". But as soon as we let our guard down and we choose rest over "productivity" we feel out of place. Like we should do something and accomplish things instead of lying around all day and be "unproductive". We feel ashamed if we delay a task that should have been done the moment we woke up this morning, or at a specific time of the day.
For a long time, I use to labelize people that didn't have a mindset of "productivity" as lazy people, and I, was myself fitting into that categorie. But lately I realized, it's not really about productivity anymore, its more about "how much steps can you take to go towards your goal in the 24 hours a day that you have ?". If you're being "productive" but what you are being productive about doesn't give you in a sense of accomplishment, then you can be productive all you want in your 24 hours a day, you won't be satisfied

I don't have a goal right now. I don't like to admit it to myself, and honestly I'm still ashamed when I think about it. That in my 20 years of life I didn't find anything that makes me wanna wake up in the morning. But that's the truth. I'm studying law in college even tho I have no clue what I want to do once I reach my 3 or 5 years of hard work.
For the longest time I thought I was gonna break at some point and just fuck everything up like I do sometimes. But the truth is, even though I don't have a goal right now, doesn't mean I'm necessary lost or anything like that. I'm still searching the reason I want to wake up every morning and the type of work I want to accomplish things into. That, in itself is a good enough reason not to lose hope or not throw everything away. It's the purpose of a human being after all. Searching for the big "why"...
"Why do you wake up every morning ?" 
"Why are you sad about this ?" 
"Why do you wanna hold this person's hand ?" 
"Why does you heart beat so fast when you jump into the water from that cliff ?"

Searching for the big "Why", is in itself an accomplishment. A reason to feel proud about yourself. And a form of productivity. It takes time to know what you want to accomplish. It takes time to know yourself. Some people find their big "Why" at four, or fifteen, or fifty, or eighty years old. 
"Not all those who wander are lost" once said Tolkien in the Lord of the ring.
Realizing this in itself changed me into a more productive person. I can accomplish a lot more in my day than I would have a few months back. I still have moments when I lose a little of  that productivity but now I know why I wake up. And the reason is to find my big "Why". 

I wanted to share this doc made by that girl on instagram thats fighting for her mental health, she does stuff at 5 AM and made a whole board of things for us to do at 5 AM too. Her name is @ellie.breeden on instagram. So here, go have fun !
4 AM Morning Thoughts

I woke up this morning after a strange dream. 
I had kissed a beautiful girl at the beach, a girl i didn't know.
She just appeared in my dreams and my first thought when opening my eyes was " where did i see that person so that my brain decides to put her in my dream ? Is it someone i saw on instagram by accident ? Is it my soumate ? " 
But i've had countless of dreams like that.
Dreams where you meet strangers and never see them again even though you felt some kind of connection with them.
I also saw my grandpa. 
A person i haven't seen in years after he died in 2011, i was 11. 
Why do my brain keep taking me to see places and people I miss then make them disappear for a while before making me meeting them again. 
Do you also have those kind of places, like your village, a forest, a house, that once in a while you visit in your mind ? Is it our subconscious that made those places, is it the visual form of our souls ? 
After having all those thoughts I wanted to watch the sunrise but the sky was cloudy and you could only see the light reflecting on the mountains across the valley. I haven't had the chance to see the pink, orange, and purple of that moment today. 
But it's fine, there are many days to come. Cloudy and Sunny ones too.